Dear Diary,

I have writers' block.

No, not even that. What I am experiencing is a complete mental block.

My mind is suffocating with a backlog of unfinished thoughts, unanswered questions, conflicting emotions and relentless, unresolvable exhaustion.

Compiling just those four sentences has taken me two hours, so how can I put into words what I'm thinking , when I can't even think the thoughts I'm thinking about thinking about? So I'll keep it short.

I need answers from myself, I need closure on my emotions, on decisions and choices that I need to make, but I hate the pressure. I hate the finality of decision-making. I'd rather somebody else make all my decisions for me, because thinking is exhausting. There's so much pressure to get things right.

I like the freedom of the future. The idea that we can do anything we want, set our destinations and our goals to anywhere and anything; there are endless possibilities.

But today is yesterday's future. My future is now, its starting now. With every fleeting second my past gets longer and my future smaller. The pressure of time is terrifying. The pressure to not waste a second scares the shit out of me. I want to look back on a life with no regrets, but how can I achieve that if my anxieties prevent me from doing anything, changing anything, confining me to my bedroom writing about 'what ifs' and 'what could be' rather that what is right now.

I don't know what I want. I'm constantly comparing myself to others, where their lives are at and wondering why my life isn't there too, like it's some sort of race. But committing myself to something, be it a decision, a person or a career, is something that can send me running if I think about it for too long. So I try not to think, but then I accomplish nothing. See my dilemma?